A letter to my mother

I know I made more than my fair share of mistakes. I know I didn't really listen. I know I'm too loud and unfiltered. I know I cuss more than I should. I know I sometimes ask for a lot. I know I didn't turn out the way you wanted. I know I disappointed you more times than not. I know I have brought you much shame and embarrassment.  I'm sorry. I promise I tried my hardest. I promise I didn't mean all the horrible things I've said. I promise I'm trying to make it better. I promise I really do love you. I promise I can be all that you ever wanted me to be. If only you could open your eyes and see the good in me. If only you could stop yelling at me long enough to see the pain in my eyes and hear the hurt in my voice. If only you could see that I'm not you and know that my flaws are ok. If only you could forgive me for the mistakes I have made. If only you could understand they hurt me too. If only we could talk out our issues without you storming off. If only we could be in the same room without getting in a fight. If only you loved me. I tried so hard to make you happy I really did. I just wanted your approval. I knew I couldn't live up to my brothers standards. I just wanted to be able to talk to you without being judged. I wanted to talk to you about my insecurities. Every time I tried you pushed me away and passed judgement. Why? It catapulted me in into a path of self destruction that took me years to get out of. Today I live in the aftermath of not having a mother to guide me and love me but only a provider to feed and shelter me. Somewhere along the lines you stopped believing in my hopes and dreams, and eventually I did too. Somewhere down the line you grew to hate me, and I did too. I have tried to show appreciation for all the good you do. I try to tell you how much you mean to me. I try to live up to your standards the best I can. We are 2 totally different people and I think you are the only one who can't accept that. I will never be able to change the past. I can only move forward. But I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like if it wasn't for my kids we would never speak. My heart breaks when I think of this. Please mommy just love me for who I am and accept me for who I am not. Please let me cry to you when I have a bad day instead of being the reason I cry. Please hug me tight and tell me we can fix this. I need you. I'm still your little girl and I promise I'm not so bad. Please mommy.

It's ok I'll figure it out.

        I swear for years all I say when I have a problem is "It's ok I'll figure it out." I didn't realize it til a good friend and me where talking about a problem I was having and she told me about how strong I am and that I always say "It's ok I'll figure it out." And I always do. Always.

     I have been left in so many situations in life where I had nobody to turn to but myself. So I figure it out. Some people might think I could always turn to my parents. Nope. They have helped a lot but it was mostly financial and it was loans. None the less appreciated. But I need a lot more from my parents than just financial support. I need guidance and love. Maybe I sound wrong for this but I have felt for years that if I didn't have kids my parents wouldn't have anything to do with me. Its cool tho. Yeah it hurts, A LOT, but I'm honestly used to it. They kicked me out at 18 and no matter how bad of a situation I was in I wasn't allowed to move back in. Now I been thru some shit so those were the hardest no's I ever received. Call it tough love for an unruly child I guess. But when you're so broke you feed your child at the food pantry and have to ask churches for money so your lights don't get cut off its a hard no. But I figured it out.

     I have a hard time with my pride asking for help. Its not horrible but sometimes I'd rather not feel weak. Even tho there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you legitimately need it. It's more of me trying to prove to myself that I got this. I don't ever want to get accustomed to hand outs or help. It makes my hunger for success that much more intense. But I will admit there are times when the hunger pain's bring me to my knees and the only person I can ask for help is God. He is the only one who can nourish me. Ironically in my darkest hours I often turn my head to God. Idk why I do it. Because I know he holds all my answers and gives me all my strength. He is the one who helps me figure it out. I thank God tho for putting people In my life that redirect me back to him. They remind me that he can make anything possible.

      I think about the trials in my life molestation, rape, being a promiscuous teen, abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism, poverty, being a single mom, death and depression and I think to myself "You made it thru ALL that (most of which in a 2 yr time span) and you're still smiling so pick your head up and figure it out." Just stop crying and figure this shit out. What does crying get you? NO WHERE!! Being in denial about the situation isn't much better. I gotta own it, whatever it may be, and I gotta figure it out. Its amazing how many times the answer is right smack dab in front of my face. I stress and fuss and cuss and cry for nothing sometimes. But other times its a true act of God I make it thru.

        I spent the last 3 years of my life severely depressed. I would spend most days for months at a time contemplating suicide and different ways to do it to stop the pain. I knew the solution. And I just wasn't strong enough. I knew my relationship was toxic to my soul. It sucked every bit of life from me. But I couldn't go. It took the shit hitting the fan and splattering all over crazy town for me to say "Woah get out now or you won't make it out alive." I knew in my mind that my only way out was gonna be in a body bag. Either at his hands or mine. I knew this for years and was sure of it for the last year of the relationship. Idk what made this incident more eye opening than the others but one day I just said "NO MORE." So I left. What a scary time of my life. So full of insecurities and doubt and self exploration and poor life choices. I swear I didn't know which way was up I just knew I was figuring it all out. I regretfully went back. Oddly it was my comfort zone. I knew my only stress was abuse. Ha almost comical that I ever justified it. None the less it was the best and worst choice I ever made. It left me with no doubt that we didn't need to be together and it made me see What I deserve and that I'm capable of demanding just that and nothing less.

          I can admit that I was having an affair for almost 3 mos before I finally left. It wasn't supposed to be more than a fling. Nothing emotional. Somewhere I found all I had been looking for. Not just in a man but within myself. I found that strength to say enough is enough. I decided I was gonna leave him for good but I just needed time to figure things out money wise. Then shit hit the fan again but this time it was the kids saying they couldn't take it anymore. The constant fighting left them fearing for my life with every tear and every scream and every hard thud on the floor or against the walls. They felt like they were suffocating. I knew what I had to do. I left him. I knew I had someone to love me and be there for me as I fought this battle again. I was ok. I knew the kids would be ok cause I would just figure it out.  And as every trial came along this time I was ok. I had been down this road before. I had a better idea of where the twists and turns would be. I knew how to approach certain situations better than before. It doesn't mean it was easy. But I always figure it out.

         I have my days and moments that I'm constantly on edge. Like today. It has been one wtf moment after another. Moments I feel like I can't breathe. Moments I wish I had my mom to turn to but "that's not my problem." Is her only response and a lovely dial tone. And as I sat in my bf's car and cried and cried and cried he says " It'll be ok Katie. We will figure this out like always. We only have each other to depend on... Just don't worry we will be ok." And it was simple words that I have heard so many times that just brought it into perspective. I'm not alone. Not at all. Not only do I have him and his amazing family and our amazing friends but I have 4 amazing children who are there to offer any support they can. It amazes me how much reality my kids have soaked in over the last 10 mos yet are for the most part doing ok. They are finally starting to get what its all about. They see the struggle. They go thru it too. I hate that they do but this is real life. I know that I have people in my corner. I know that I have people that love me. And I know that even if it kills me its gonna be ok cause I'll figure it out. I always do. But there is a comfort in my heart that knows I'm no longer fighting these battles alone. And for the first time in years I stopped thinking of ways to end my life and started thinking of ways to improve my life and want to live to see many more days. Now my days are filled with joy and I no longer live in fear. Even the worst days I can still smile and laugh because its just not that bad anymore.

        I tell myself I didn't have the strength to leave before because God wasn't done teaching that lesson. I guess 14 yrs is a long time to teach someone something but its better late than never. And as I get ready for bed I have positive vibes in my heart about facing these battles with a clear mind tomorrow. Cause no matter what happens I know I will be ok and I will figure it out.

Self Love is a Bitch

             9 mos ago I started a journey to better my health. 8 mos ago I started the journey to better my self esteem. A journey of self love is like no other because u have to look deep within yourself and examine all the ugly parts of your past. You have to look at every instance that left you tainted. I found that the only way to find self love was to figure out where it started. The sad part is the source is usually from home or a loved one.

        My self esteem issues started very young, 1st grade maybe, but they were nothing extreme. It got worse naturally as I hit puberty which led me into a figuring out stage in junior high. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to be. You could tell by the way my clothing options varied to the extreme. I had gained weight from some medication I was prescribed and that made it worse. But after me gaining 40-50 lbs my Dr changed the meds. I lost 65 lbs and I swear I knew I looked good lol. You couldn't tell me nothing. I had the highest self esteem imaginable. But the boyfriend I had at the time always stressed how "perfect" I was and not to change at all. "Don't gain a pound."So I developed an eating disorder. I was anorexic and bulimic. I would eat just enough to stop the pain of being hungry (a few carrot sticks and some milk), took a multivitamin daily and the times I did eat to satisfy my cravings I threw it up. I did this for months. But then I got pregnant. I felt free almost. I knew I couldn't starve a baby and once I became ok with the thought of eating again I DIDN'T STOP!! I felt like I hadn't really enjoyed food in MONTHS. I missed that full feeling and not feeling weak all the time. I unfortunately blew up 90 lbs during that pregnancy. It didn't bother me right away until I saw how hard it was to lose weight while not starving and binging/purging. I did end up losing about 40-50 lbs but it was from not eating as much do to ADD meds.

      My self esteem wasn't necessarily broken at this point. I had begun feeling confident again. I was feeling sexy again. I admit the little extra weight bothered me some what. But I still felt good about myself. Then with each pregnancy I gained more weight. Since I was basically pregnant for 3 years I didn't really have time lose weight between babies. None the less I still felt sexy.

      My relationship with my soon to be ex husband is what broke my self esteem. It was the constant put downs and telling me I wasn't good enough that made me truly believe I wasn't good enough. I eventually just let myself go. I stopped caring about me and just said whatever nobody will ever look at me and I'm not lovable.

    I found myself at 300 pounds. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! How did I go from 125lbs at 15 to 300lbs at 27?!?!  That's a huge leap. And I found myself scared for my own life. I have 4 kids that count on me to be here, that need a mom with energy to play with them and energy to be a part of their life. I needed to get my self together quick. I got in touch with a trainer and started working on the outside failing to see the real trouble was inside. That's when I shifted gears and decided I need to learn to love me. But where on earth do you begin to learn to love someone you spent so many years hating?!?!

     Women have a horrible habit of standing in the mirror for long periods of time, hours sometimes, picking themselves apart. We take 30 selfies before we find one we look good enough in. We dissect every flaw and every good feature til we feel we are nothing. Some of the most beautiful women I have ever met can look at themselves and find 10 things they hate about themselves instantly. They can't take compliments without second guessing them. But why?? Why? Why? Why? Why can't we just embrace all the good and the bad? Why can't we say fuck what society thinks and love ourselves the way we are? Can't be too skinny or too fat. But who sets the standards as to what is too this or that?? Who gets to decide what is right or wrong with other peoples bodies? Shouldn't we all just be able to say " I LOVE the way I look." But that's not how it works. We feel pressure when standing beside a woman thinner or thicker than us. Yes even skinny girls have body issues over being too thin. Crazy huh?! You wouldn't understand if you never had other women talk down on you for being too thin. Yes I have been there too. I have been at both extremes and everything in between. So many people are quick to say "you looked better like this..." Who are you to tell me how I look better?!? I should be the judge of that based on how I feel.

     Right now I know for my health and yes my self esteem I need to lose weight. I have lost weight and I'm damn proud of those very hard to lose 40 pounds. But if I don't love myself the rest will never go away. I have a goal to lose another 110 pounds. That's a whole person I want to lose. I know I can do it. And I know there are people who think I can't. And there are people judging me for the size I am now. Yes all 260 pounds of me. Yep there's how much I weigh. Gasp in shock that I revealed the number no woman is honest about or the sheer size of me. I don't care. I am in a very healthy relationship with a person who fell in love with WHO I AM not my looks, even tho they love my physical appearance as well. Even without my relationship being a factor I know who I am isn't based on a number on a scale or the wrinkles by my eyes or the color of my hair or any other physical feature. Who I am is what's in my heart and my mind. My character defines me. I am far from where I need to be on this journey of self love but I've came a long way from where I once was.

      I don't know where you are coming from but I'm sure as you read this you have had a starting point cross your mind. You need to stop and look at the starting point and look at every moment between there and where you are today. Look at the defining moments that took a little piece of you. Look at every situation. Dissect that not yourself. For me it was the abusive nature of men who didn't think twice of taking a woman's pride from her. I looked at their CHARACTER and saw that they broke me down to keep me below them so they could control me. I saw that I am a very beautiful woman who ended up with the wrong people in my life. I may not be beautiful to societies standards and I may not be beautiful to your standards, but I'm beautiful to my own standards. Do I have days of bloat or too many pimples or a bad hair day that I second guess and judge myself? Of course I do. Thru it all I know that I'm worthy of more than what I tell myself on off days or what others have tried to make me believe. I will continue to learn to love myself and remember to take my own advice everyday. I know one day I will be able to look in the mirror again and feel the way I once did. For now I will take each day as it is and say you got this and you are worth it.

A letter to my daughter

T,

I have not always been a good mom. I still question if I am now. I have always loved you with my whole heart. Every bit of my heart beats for my children. I feel bad because I know I'm harder on you than the other kids. You are the oldest so everything with you is new and scary and strange. I want to get it right so bad. Then afterwards I see where I went wrong. Sometimes those mistakes are bigger than I would like to admit.  I know you don't think I'm fair. I know we scream and fight and argue. It breaks my heart. I hate the days when all we do is argue cause neither of us back down. I hate the feeling of sending you to school after a big fight and a pathetic apology. I know your day is just as tainted as mine. I wish I knew how to get you to understand that I love you far more than my actions always show. You were the light at the end of my tunnel when I was in a very bad place. You were my hope in the darkest of hours as I was a child raising a child. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I loved you more than words. Now there are so many days we can't even be in the same room without arguing. I don't know how to talk to you anymore. There is so much attitude and anger in you. I don't know if its the hormones or if it is because of my many failures. I tried so hard to give you a good life. I really truly did. I see so much of me in you and it TERRIFIES me to my core. My biggest fear is that you will experience the things I have and that you will turn out just like me. I want you to be all that I wasn't and all that I never will be. You are the most inspiring person I have ever met. I just wish you knew. Please for one moment remember that nobody is perfect and if I could take it all back I would. Know that if I could back I would right every wrong. I would have held your hand a little longer. Cuddled you one more time. I would have sang more songs and read more books. I wouldn't have gotten so mad when you made a mess or broke something. I would have just stopped and remembered you're just a little girl. Cause now you're not a little girl anymore and you are now shaped into the human being you will be the rest of your life. I hope she is amazing and not a reflection of my mistakes. I hope one day you forgive me for every time I went left and not right. I hope one day you are proud to say I'm your mom. I am very proud to say your my daughter.

I love you,
Mommy

chances

Chances

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyday we take and give chances. We give them to our kids, our spouse, or friends and sometimes complete strangers. In return we are given the same chances. But all too often the first chance isn't taken seriously and before you know it we are on chance 2,3,4 or even 5!! When is enough enough? How do we determine who get more and who doesn't? Is it based on how close we are to the person? Is it based on the situation? Is it the age of the person? all these things play a role.

 

 

 

I have been given more than my fair share of chances. I have a tendency of taking them for granted from certain people. We all do this. But why? Usually we do it to the people that are closest to us. We know they will give us more because they care about us too much. How horrible is that thought? We continuously hurt our friends and family because we can. That's so shameful yet everyone does it. We don't always realize we are though. We don't always see what we are doing until its too late.

What if we all just did what was right the first time? What if we never needed another chance? Too good to be true? Unfortunately, yes. Its all a learning processing. We first must get that initial chance to do something right then fail and go back and hopefully get it right. Its just a shame that some people give too many chances to those who will never learn that lesson. No matter how many chances are given they don't learn because they know they can just keep failing and all will be forgiven. 

When we do this we hurt ourselves more than anything. One day we will look up and see that we have burned every bridge and if any are left they are hanging on by a thread. We have hurt all those people that mean the most to us. We have tainted their feelings for us. Lowered their expectations of us. Is this the life we want? 

Don't our loved ones deserve better? Don't we deserve better? How about the people that give chances over and over? When do you feel enough is enough? Do you eventually accept that this person will never change? Do you make excuses for them? Do you feel you don't deserve better? What is it about that person that makes them so special to you that they can continuously hurt you? Or do you just hand chances out to everyone. The eternal doormat. 

I'm a giver and a taker. I admit it. Some people I know that no matter how many times I fuck up I will be forgiven and will get another opportunity to fuck up. I'm mostly guilty with my parents. My whole life has been a series of chances. Mostly failed opportunities to do the right thing. I thank my lucky stars that my parents love me unconditionally. Especially thru my darkest hours they were there. We give the same chances to our own kids. Doesn't make it any better. 

I give everyone I meet the benefit of the doubt. I believe the best I'm everyone. I have the innocent until proven guilty mentality. This is probably not the best way to live but when people show you the best even in the worst situation the reward is plentiful. I would rather live my life thinking everyone is capable of being amazing and caring than live a life not trusting anyone. I don't always fuck up. I would hope people look at me as always being capable of amazingness before they think of me as a failure. 

If just for a moment I could go back undo my wrongs and have the wrongs against me undone I would be very happy. But the truth is the wrongs all make us better people. You know what they say "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger." This is true. If you have struggled through something you have also learned from it as well.  

Embrace the bad and good moments. Never stop giving or taking chances. But be mindful if you abuse those chances you are indeed hurting others as well as yourself. 

Clearing the Air

Clearing the Air

 

 

 

 

I'm going to make this as short and sweet as I possibly can. I have written many drafts trying to address the topic. I was trying to explain the back story of why me and my husband were getting divorced and where we stand. I really shouldn't have to explain a thing to anyone. But simply because I am so tired of constantly explaining things and being judged I will, so here goes.

 

 

Neither of us were perfect in our relationship. We both brought more than our fair share of baggage. We both did things that contributed to us falling apart. I cheated on him a couple of times years ago and he never honestly got over it. He developed a violent and vengeful temper. Neither of us communicated properly in our relationship. We were both mean to each other. We both could have done more.

 

 

 

When we split up I was so angry with him. I should not have thrown all of our business out there. I was so sure I would never take him back because I was so sure he could never change. But how could I fairly deem him too broken to be fixed when I felt I was broken yet fixable? That's not fair.

 

 

 

When I moved out and he came home to an empty house with only a couple couches and the bedroom furniture and his family gone it devastated him. For me it was packing up the house to leave that devastated me. I felt a brief moment of happiness when I got my new house unpacked but I quickly felt incomplete.

 

 

 

Although both of us dated other people while apart neither one of us were happy. We were miserable being apart. Even more miserable than if we were still fighting. Its like we lost a part of our soul. Half of us was missing.

 

 

 

Shortly after him moving back to the house we decided to try and be friends. It took a matter of days before we knew we wanted to actually reconcile. We both decided to do counseling and accept Christ in hearts. This in itself was a HUGE step for him because he was never willing to go to church. That made my decision for giving him another chance. I called the lawyer the next day and asked her not to file the final papers.

 

 

 

Idk if we are going to work out this time or not. I just know that the man sitting in front of me playing Apples to Apples with our children is not the man I have known for 8 yrs. This is the man I always knew he could be. The man that was deep inside that he wouldn't let out. He is HAPPY and KIND and so LOVING. Somewhere he found patience, if you know me I'm very hard to be patient with. He is the father I always knew was in there too. So attentive and loving with the kids.

 

 

 

I have a long way to go as well. I am still leery that this is just temporary. But I have done things to test him that would have normally set his temper off like no other. He doesn't flinch. He just prays. I have to say it takes a lot to impress me and I'm impressed. He is consistent in his change. No glitches or flare up's. He said God opened his eyes and I believe him.

 

 

So many people say be cautious and he could still go back to his old ways. Well I personally think he wont and that my marriage working out is worth the risk. So many people helped me and cheered me on thru it all and I'm so grateful for that help. But in the end this is my marriage and my family. I fought so many years to make things work, so you better believe that when a genuine opportunity for happiness with the man I envisioned growing old with comes about, I'm taking it.

 

 

We are happy, and by we I mean my husband, our children and myself. That's all that matters. I have had so many people tell me that they went thru the same thing and with hard work and love it all worked out. The people closest to us that know BOTH of us have provided the biggest support in our reunion. This in itself has meant the world to us. We knew there would be critics but we had no idea we would have so many supporters.

 

 

 

I have appreciated the concern from people who just plain care but honestly I take it with a grain of salt from those who have never been married. As much as I never believed it to be true marriage is far more than just a piece of paper. Its not just a relationship. Its not just a break up. Its the union of 2 people who thought enough of each other to stand before god and say I choose them to be with for the rest of my life. It is not something you take lightly and just dispose of. People who can go thru marriage after marriage do NOT know what marriage is about. I promised God that I was going to love this man til death do us part and last time I checked we both have a pulse.

 

 

If you support my decision thank you. If not that's ok. But please until you walked in my shoes and have been thru this same situation or something very similar (not just divorce but the whole situation) I don't want your negative Nancy opinions. I sure did listen to a lot of outsiders that had no clue what they were talking about during this ordeal and it almost cost me my family.

 

 

 

I know some of you also think he is a monster and I'm a moron. But monsters can be slain. He is the only one that can fight the monster within him and right now he has God on his side and is doing a mighty fine job. I have my own monsters in me. I'm far from perfect. I'm a very hard person to live with and deal with. My dad has commended him many times over the years for being able to deal with me cause Lord knows he couldn't lol.

 

 

 

So again please stop and think before you judge us and anything else we do. Also stop and think before you judge anyone else. You don't know what they are going thru unless you can honestly say you have been there done that. I don't care how many details you know about the situation, until you live it you have no idea what its really like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Great Wall of Katie

 

The Great Wall of Katie

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have had some people ask why don't I blog about the good in my life? I have others who love the rawness of my blogging. I say all the ugly truth no matter how bad. Some people want the light and fluffy unicorn shit and others wants the deep dark creep into your inner most thoughts and feeling stuff. I know I am more inspired to write when I'm not so happy. Writing is my way of channeling my emotions in a healthy manner.

Ever since I can remember I have put walls up to keep people from seeing my feelings. Very few people have heard me SPEAK in a raw and uncensored format. Uncensored as I bare my soul to you. I have spoken candidly with several people. But very few saw ME. I don't like people getting thru those walls. And unless you catch me in a VERY vulnerable state you will never get in. I recently let someone in my walls and they were speaking nothing but lies. Maybe not the whole time but they definitely left me jaded. It takes so much for me to let someone in I felt like, how dare you abuse my trust like this?

It's sad really because I always block the wrong people out. It's like the more important you are to me the less I want to share with you because I don't know if you will like who I really am. I have also trusted people with my deepest darkest secrets and they in turn threw those things in my face. They used the things that hurt me most in life against me to hurt me even more. Who does that? Spite is an evil EVIL thing.

I want to write about more positive stuff but right now I am trying to figure Katie out. Idk who I am or what I want I just know that I don't just have walls up I have a fortress. I wasn't just jaded in my life, I allowed myself to be jaded, often times I did it to myself. I am giving you all glimpses into my soul. The good the bad and the ugly. Some of you may judge me but most of you have NO room to judge. I may be ridiculed for the feelings I feel  but so what they are my own.

I'm always told about how funny I am and how free spirited I am. But the only funny thing is everyone fails to realize that when I am entertaining you with uncensored sarcasm and ridiculous comments its because deep inside I'm crying and a mess. How dare I come around you and you see me weak and vulnerable! Believe me it doesn't happen often. If I am outwardly showing that I am upset I have hit the breaking point. My emotions have become too much for my body to handle. I start to shut down. I can  no longer function and I slip deep into depression.

I get a lot of crap for putting my business out there. But we all think it and go thru it so why not talk about it? I mean honestly if it makes me feel better to express myself thru writing a blog and it isn't actually hurting anyone then what does it matter? Why do you care so much what I blog about? I do ask for the feedback and I know I have to take the good with the bad. But why make me feel ashamed for doing something that makes me feel so much better? I know what risks I take by writing this but those are my choices and my risks.

Emotions can be very scary if we don't handle them properly. When I was around 11 I started writing poetry and I loved reading poems. Men don't understand what it's like going thru puberty as a girl. The only thing men worry about is penis size and facial hair and deep voices. Girls worry about EVERYTHING. Literally everything. That never changes. I had no idea how to process things except for writing. I had several notebooks just full front and back of my poems and my feelings. When I was 14 my parents threw them away cause they were "inappropriate". I never wrote again til I started blogging.

I successfully killed myself on 2 different occasions in the same year. I died and was brought back to life 5 times. I had no outlet for my feeling and I couldn't handle the horror that was my life. Granted I put myself in those situations but none the less I had no outlet. So I decided to end it all. I am glad I lived most days. Some days I still feel like a waste of life. It takes me letting down those walls and expressing myself to someone I can trust to see that I'm not a waste. Its just not as easy as you think.

While me and my husband were apart I drank a lot. I had no idea how to cope. Whether it was a glass of wine in a hot bath when the kids went to bed or a girls night out I was drinking instead of dealing with my feelings. I found 3 people that I entrusted with my feelings. One of which I used as my emotional punching bag. I no longer knew any other form of communication with this person aside from treating them like a shrink. The outcome wasn't good. I pushed everyone away on purpose. I lashed out just enough to keep them at a safe distance. Safe for me.  I refused to let them in. Yes I shared a lot of what was going on with people. But nobody truly knew what was REALLY going on. Even the ones that thought they did had no idea how bad it was.

Nobody likes to feel judged at any point. But our society thrives on judging others. We need it. We need to be able to pick apart someonelse's misery to make ourselves feel less pathetic when we are down. It's like that saying, it could always be worse. We love to know that no matter how fucked up we are someone else is doing worse. It's that justification. Nobody wants to feel like they are a bottom feeder. And why would they? I don't. I don't know anyone that does. But we need to admit that we all are pretty scummy at some point.

My walls protect me. I hope one day I can let them down and cope with all my emotions in a healthy manner instead of just letting them fester and beating myself up about everything. I wish I could really share my story so that I know I'm not alone. So that someone else can know that they are not alone. But I'm too scared. I'm safe behind these walls. You and nobody else can judge me when I'm back here. I say who comes in. I say who can give input. I'm just not ready. I just want to feel normal and I don't know if that is even possible. Normal doesn't exist I know that but there is some form of normalcy I want to be a part of.

My life might not be the best or the prettiest and I may have had more downs than ups. But I'm the only one with the balls to sit here and admit my faults and try to fix them. So if you look down on me for trying to better myself in a way you don't approve of, well shame on you. I would like to see you sit down and admit your faults to anyone with access to the Internet. One day I will take a sledge hammer to these walls and the only thing left behind them will be a happy person who is not afraid anymore.

Confessions of a Side Chick

Confessions of a Side Chick

Hmmmmm where do I begin...

I have been a side chick more times than not. When I was younger I never really had an issue with it. I always said, "Well if I don't know his girlfriend or we aren't friends then I don't care." This was how I justified it in my head. When I was younger I never felt any kind of remorse about the situation. Now when I say younger I mean I was in high school. I have obviously had real relationships, however I always got cheated on. Karma? Maybe. Probably. In a way I felt like the guy was going to cheat regardless. I had 3 kids while being a side chick. I wasn't a secret tho. I always picked winners and they never hid their affairs. As I grew older I started feeling bad about this. Maturity? Yes. I was a side chick again for a few months here recently. Not my finest moments but I cant change it.

 Its funny tho how as you become an adult you would think the cheating would get old and there would be no thrill. I mean as adults we have so much more to lose. We have everything to lose at times. So why do we cheat? Why risk everything we ever wanted and worked for? Why do we justify hurting other people without batting an eye or giving a second thought? Are we sluts? Man whores? Liars? Users? Yes and no. We could very well be all of those things, but mostly we are human.

Humans have this major character flaw (especially Americans), its called greed. Humans are so greedy in everyway. We never liked sharing toys as children and we are never satisfied as adults. We always want more more MORE!!! We tend to forget to stop and smell the roses. We forget that we don't need to have it all. We forget that sometimes what we have is all we need. So we lust after each other. Coveting each others spouses. We flirt and smile and say "Its just harmless flirting." but is it really harmless? Is it really just flirting? What if the flirting was "harmless" until someone had an argument with their spouse and decided to see how interested the other party really is? What happens when that person has and argument with their spouse and decides "Hmmm maybe I will see what this offer is all about?" then that flirting isn't so harmless anymore. Why don't we ever stop to think what a catastrophic event this could be. Why are we so selfish to think we can get away with it? Why do we seem to think we are above the consequences? We are so selfish and think "Well they don't provide me with this or that so I need to get it somewhere." We think that what they don't know wont hurt them. But as the saying goes "What happens in the dark always comes to light". Maybe not today but it always does. Why cant we just stop and speak to our spouses why cant we write them a letter maybe? 

As the one on the side when you know that you are on the side what's the justification? "They don't make them happy so it's their own fault?" "They need to do more so its their fault?" How do we morally justify what's happening? Greed that's how. We think about the attention we need and the affection we need and the intimacy we need. We don't think about the lives or families we destroy in the process. All we want is to fill that void.

Nobody settles for being a side piece because they are happy with themselves. It just doesn't happen. You don't find it ok to be second best because you have high self esteem and love yourself with all your heart. No you have insecurities and don't care where you find your affection and attention. I have had more than my fair share of sexual partners and I'm tellin ya its not because I exude confidence and look in the mirror every morning thinking I'm fabulous and unstoppable. Its because I look at myself as less than. I slept with men and women looking for affection and comfort. Looking for approval and seeking attention. I got their attention alright. Not the kind I wanted. You think doing freaky things will make someone respect you? HA! NO WAY!! You will catch their attention and they will give you what you want til they are done with you. At the end of the night you are nothing but sex. Nothing more.

Don't let their words deceive you. If you were more than that you would be the only one in their life. Your need for approval tricks your heart into false feelings. They will tell you anything and everything to get what they want from you. And because you have no self esteem you will give them anything and everything. But at what cost? What are we really giving them? We are giving them our pride and self esteem. We are giving them our dignity. We are left as an empty vessel. Just nothingness. Then we watch  a romantic movie and listen to love songs thinking "Why cant I find that?"

Someone said to me recently, "If you are out there handing out the coochie all you're going to attract is dicks!" Followed by a lecture on how I am better than that. Now I'm not saying I was just hoeing it up, but I had slept with someone else that I shouldn't have. We will never find the romance if we are just handing out the goods. Who will respect someone like that? That comment came from a person I was intimate with at the time and I was confessing what I had done. They had nothing to gain from telling me that. It opened my eyes. At the time I had no idea I was going to try and work things out with my husband, I just knew I was in a very very bad place in my life. I didn't like this empty feeling. I didn't like chasing affection and attention. A couple hours of satisfaction didn't make up for the days of loneliness. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I was in someone's arms, and that wasn't a good feeling. So why didn't I stop? Lack of self respect.

 

 

 

Here's the sad part. I can say in all certainty that every single person who views this has been the side piece at least once. You have all probably been cheated on at least once. Many of you have also cheated at least once. And don think emotional affairs don't count, cause you bet your sweet ass they do. An affair is an affair. Now not all of you may know you were cheated on or a side piece so don't think it doesn't apply to you. 

 

 

 

Our society plays a huge role in all of this. I have been listening to Pandora while writing this and I cant tell you how many songs are about being cheated on and even worse the proud cheater or proud side chick songs. Our music says its ok to be the one on the side. Its ok to cheat. Our music solidifies all our bull shit reasons as to why our disgusting behavior is acceptable. Certain movies do as well. Others portray the very exaggerated ill affects of affairs as well, i.e. Fatal Attraction. 

 

 

 

As I run thru my opinions and observations I should share with you my feelings. What I did is not something I am proud of. I cant lie and say its completely out of character because I used to be just fine with it. I know the reasons I accepted it now at this point in my life. I can sit and lie to you and say that it always bothered me but I wont. I was selfish and I thought about myself a lot. I believed that it was 'her fault not mine'. I believed someone cared about me and that they were going to leave her. I believed I held a special place in their heart. I believed it all. I believed it because I was sad and scared and refused to listen to my friends and family that it was all lies and that I was better than this and worth more than this. But the biggest of all the lies were the ones I told myself. I'm down right ashamed of my actions. Sometimes I make choices that even I have to step back like "WTF ARE YOU DOING?". This was one of them.

 

 

 

Now I could end this with some profound statement about the new me and how I will never do it again. But I wont be doing that. I think the only thing I can say at this point is, if you are cheating or are on the side step back and evaluate yourself. Evaluate the situation. Why have you stepped out? Why are you selling yourself short as second best? If you are in second place well then honey you need to get a vibrator and a body pillow and go to counseling and find Jesus and have lots of girls nights. You need to dig very very deep inside and look at the downward spiral you are in (you might not even know you're in one). Find a ladder and climb on out. If you are the cheater then you need to look at what you have at home. What is your spouse doing that is so wrong that you need to step out? Is it a sexual issue? Are the day to day frustrations of life becoming too much? Are you not attracted to them anymore? This is your spouse, what is so bad that you cant find the time to talk to them? Write a fucking letter for Pete's sake!!! Believe me if you have enough issues to feel ok in stepping out then you should just leave all together. You better believe this will not make things better. I have cheated on my husband. He pushed me out with the abuse and was unreasonable when trying to talk things out. At that point it became best to leave. I instead chose to have an affair and my life became much worse. That is also a whole nother entry in itself. Just trust me that I know what I'm talking about.

 

 

All I am saying folks is stop and look at your lives. Remember for every action there is a reaction. Stop and think if its really worth it before you jump in.  Its the ripple effect of life. Once you cast that stone you may only see the initial splash and a few big ripples then they fade out. They don't stop, the effect keeps going, we just don't always see it, but it will always be felt.     

 

 

 

Time for a Change

Time for a Change

 

 

 

So typically at this time of the year everyone is setting out to better themselves per new years resolutions. I don't believe in them. It's just another stupid thing people do to feel good about themselves for a few weeks then fail and feel bad about themselves then say fuck it and give up til next year. Its just dumb. If you want to change then change. Don't look for a holiday to change. Don't wait til the time is right. Cause will the time ever be right? If we are always  making excuses as to why today isn't the day then its probably not gonna be the day anytime soon. I'm the kind of person who wakes up and says "Yep that's stupid and doesn't work so lets change it!" no pussy footing around and no bull shit. If I want to change something I do. That's it. No weaning or waiting, just cold turkey heaven. I struggle and stumble and fall and cry and whine and kick and scream, but I always achieve my goal. Some of my goals I have fallen off the saddle about a billion and one times but you better believe I get back up and try harder. There is never any shame in trying. Yes we make some monumental mistakes in our lives but if we learn from those mistakes who cares. Never do anything in vein. I have made so many life altering bad decisions that I should be on a one way trip to hell by now. But I have gotten up and learned from them and asked for forgiveness. Yes folks believe it or not I am a Christian. I wont give a spiel in this post, don't want any panties in a wad when I'm trying to make a point. ANYWHO, I always get back on track and move forward. You cant stop believing in yourself no matter what. If you believe you can do better you will do better. Remember good things aren't going to fall into your lap like "Oh look at me here I am, yay lucky you." No you have to work for them you have to do the right things in order to get good things. Are you following me here I feel like I might be rambling but I promise I have a valid point coming.

 

 

 So I have been on this "journey" to change my life for a few years. I stopped doing drugs and stopped drinking a few years back. I started drinking again for a little while. I mean I have 4 kids and I run my own business I was going thru a divorce and had a lot going on. Shit I needed some booze. I THOUGHT I needed booze. I haven't touched drugs in years btw *pats self on the back* I am very proud of that.

 

 

So my husband had an odd sexual fetish of watching me with other people (men and women). I never quite liked this and ultimately it caused our marriage to crumble. He was not treating me right by any means. He was extremely abusive in every way. This would push me emotionally into other people and I had left him a couple times over the years. So in September this "fetish" occurred. It caused quite a bit of problems and one day took a violent ugly turn. I left. I swore I would never ever go back. I meant it too. I filed for divorce and we were set to be divorced 12/27/13 but because of tax filing purposes and re figuring child support it was postponed. New years eve as I sat alone while my kids slept and I just thought about the year we were leaving behind and what I wanted for the next year I couldn't help but think "Is this what I truly want?" the papers were supposed to be filed on 1/2/14 well I'm in Ohio and in case you missed the memo mother nature took a snow filled shit on us. So the papers weren't filed. He drove to my new house and we got snowed in together. And by the time the courts opened back up I questioned was this really what was best? Was it what I wanted? Was this an act of anger? Could he really change like he said he wants to? Here's that religious stuff again. So I prayed and prayed and I cried like I have never cried in my life. I was so torn by this decision. I knew my kids wanted us back together. I knew I missed him. I knew I had close friends and family questioning if I knew what I was doing. I just didn't know if it could really work out after so many failed attempts. So I prayed some more. I asked God to give me a sign and point me in the right direction. My husband openly admitted to being and abuser. He admitted to how sick and twisted his ways were. And then he went to church with me. And he cried the whole service and at the end he accepted Christ into his life. That was my sign! See for 7.5 years I tried to get this man into church and to get right with God he absolutely wouldn't budge. So him taking this step was God's way of saying "Slow down sister this man deserves one more fair chance with me on his side. " I called my lawyer first thing in the morning and said hold the presses and don't file those papers. She admitted that she was questioning if I wanted to go thru with it especially considering it happened so fast. Again another sign. So here I am now starting fresh with a man I am technically married to. We aren't having sex and we aren't back together. He is courting me. That's dating for anyone who doesn't know. And not like high schooler's date, movies then blow jobs on the ride home. No we are dating. He is romancing me. He is winning me back and mending the heart he didn't just break but he shattered. I admit I have never seen this side of the man I thought I knew better than myself. I have had some interesting feedback. A lot of people haven't been sold on this decision. I'm sure I have been more than a couple 'dumb bitch's' to more than a couple people. That's OK. Nobody but me and my family have to be ok with this choice. And honestly the people that know us the best are very very ok with it. They support us 100% and hope things work out.

 

 

 Now onto my actual point. I know you thought I was just rambling but nope I'm still getting there. In the last weekish that I have been open about this I have had more deep, thought provoking and tear jerking conversation than a 3 part Dr. Phil special. I have been so intellectually inspired its unreal. A lot of people comment on how candid I am about my mistakes and feelings, that I'm just so nonchalant in talking about things. I figure why not. If I can't admit to what I have done how can I truly learn from what I have done. I have had conversations with people wanting to change but don't know where to start. People who have changed and are sharing encouraging words. People who are also starting their journey to change and we want to hold each other accountable. I have had so many women say I have inspired them, even after I chose to give it another shot. Because I did indeed stand up for myself and I did indeed face my demons. I thought "Me? Inspiring? Pfffft get outta here. I'm nobody!" But guess what I am somebody. And so are you (whoever you are). You say "No but I'm a slut I cant be anybody." "No I'm a drunk I cant be anybody." I'm sleeping with a married man I cant be anybody!" "I have failed so many times before I'm nothing!" "I'm a drug addict and lost my kids I'm nobody." guess what YOU ARE DEAD WRONG!  You are the only who can tell yourself you are. So what if you did bad things. So what if you still are doing bad things. If you JUST STOP THE BAD THINGS you will show not only yourself but the world that what you do does not define you. Not forever. They say once an addict always an addict. Well I'm addict. But that's cause I was an addict 14 years ago. I changed. I chose to better myself. So can you. You are no different than anyone else out here. Don't let others opinions or your mistakes define who you are. I have been so inspired by the people in my life and how so many people are making changes. Not because of some stupid new years resolutions either, but because they truly want to live the good life. That's a beautiful thing to see so many people I care about want to be better people. It makes me feel stronger and more capable of doing good things. If you surround yourself by good things then everything you do will be steps in the right direction. 

 

 

 I gave my husband an analogy today as to what we are doing. Last spring we hired landscapers to dig up our entire back yard and rip out ALL the old dead grass. They had to take out all the bad stuff and haul it away and then lay new soil and mix it and prep it with fertilizer. The new soil was ideal for planting new seeds and growing a plush beautiful lawn. We planted the seeds and laid the straw to protect the new seeds. We tended to these seeds night and day watering them and not letting anyone step foot on them. Cause if they did the seeds would surely die. Then with lots of attention and care the seeds grew to a beautiful plush lawn. Now we all know the saying "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." Sometimes it actually is. In my case leaving my husband put me in greener grass. I was out of harms way. But I kept looking back to the other side and looking at the few patches of healthy grass that battled the storms and held up strong thru it all. I thought maybe just maybe there is still a chance to grow. So by starting over (not just me and him but us as humans in general) we have to replant our lawn. We need to rip up all the dead grass and yank it out by the roots. Don't leave anything behind or it will kill the new seeds. This is confessing our faults and owning up to EVERYTHING, no shifting blame. Then we need to haul it away. This is forgiving and forgetting. Then we need to prep it with fertilizers. This is talking things out and/or counseling. For us this is also committing ourselves to God. Then you plant the new seeds and cover it with straw to protect it. This is starting over. You protect it with commitment. Then every day and night you must nourish it and feed it and don't dare let anyone step on it. Feed it with love and faith. Don't let the outside world and skeptics say it can't be done. Don't let the storms destroy your life. Then before you know it you will have a lush beautiful lawn and your grass will indeed be greener than the other side. It will be rich and strong, not brown and broken like the old grass. See this lawn was built on love. Your relationship will be stronger than ever. Your life will be better than ever. This isn't just applying to relationships. Any obstacle you are facing in life can be overcome just tend to your lawn. There is no better time to better your life than right now. Not next year RIGHT NOW!!!!! If you absolutely cant stand the way things are going in your life then you need to change your life. Period.  

 

 

I hope this made sense. I hope you get the point.

Maybe stop and reflect a minute while listening to this song!
http://youtu.be/PivWY9wn5ps

JUST GETTING STARTED

JUST GETTING STARTED

 

I have always had a passion for writing and wanting to share my story. This life I live is quite complicated and very confusing most of the time. Some how I think I always have it under control (at least I like to think so). I have been told many times of the years that I should blog or write a book. I don't have time to write a book and I don't know much about blogging. But here I am spilling my beans to who ever is bored enough to read my 1am ramblings.

 

 Just for starters I will say I have a unique personality and I'm a little rough around the edges at times. I a mother and kind of a wife. I will make a post all in itself about that one. Right now we are complicated and in limbo and I'm OK with that. I'm a pretty down to earth person. I have a passion for just about everything. I have wanted to be a doctor, a vet, a musician, a singer, a dancer, a nurse, a horse trainer, a chef, a photographer and about a billion and one other things in my life. I enjoy just about everything and I love exploring the world around me. I would love to travel and taste fine cuisine and see beautiful places that only national geographic and uber rich celebs get to go to. I want to explore every hobby and embrace them all. I live for mistakes and life lessons. I think we grow as individuals thru experiences and we can never truly be fulfilled if we have passions in our hearts that we have not explored. Two passions I have are wanting to travel to Ireland and to own my own restaurant. I will achieve those goals one day even if its the absolute last things I do.

 

 I have severe ADD and I'm bipolar so have fun keeping up. Sometimes I am quirky and crazy and the next minute I'm deep and emotional. And yes this could all be in the same breath or sentence. But who cares. I don't. I have been told my spontaneity is one of my best qualities. Nobody ever knows what to expect when I am around. If I'm in a good mood its like free entertainment. If I'm in a bad mood well then you are better off just staying back, cause chances are if nobody is a moron for about an hour I just might snap out of it. I live for music and the right song can either make or break my mood, no kidding. I tend to cuss, A LOT. Its rather absurd the amount of swear words I can say in a single sentence without thinking twice. I do have the ability to filter but sometimes I forget to turn that filter on.

 

I guess blogging is supposed to be this nice outlet for many things. Having established my bipolar I will safely say this will be a very public diary so to speak. It will be very random and filled with my thoughts. I think my next post will be letting who ever is reading this a chance to hear some of my story. My story is not a pretty one with lollipops and daisies and unicorns skipping on rainbows. I have had more bad times than good and I have hit the lowest of the low in my day. I'm not proud of most of my choices in life and that's OK. I am who I am today because of what I have put myself thru and what others have put me thru. I wouldn't change any of it, EVER.

 

 

Well until next time folks, TOOTLES

(wasn't exactly sure how to end that so ya know)