The Great Wall of Katie

 

The Great Wall of Katie

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have had some people ask why don't I blog about the good in my life? I have others who love the rawness of my blogging. I say all the ugly truth no matter how bad. Some people want the light and fluffy unicorn shit and others wants the deep dark creep into your inner most thoughts and feeling stuff. I know I am more inspired to write when I'm not so happy. Writing is my way of channeling my emotions in a healthy manner.

Ever since I can remember I have put walls up to keep people from seeing my feelings. Very few people have heard me SPEAK in a raw and uncensored format. Uncensored as I bare my soul to you. I have spoken candidly with several people. But very few saw ME. I don't like people getting thru those walls. And unless you catch me in a VERY vulnerable state you will never get in. I recently let someone in my walls and they were speaking nothing but lies. Maybe not the whole time but they definitely left me jaded. It takes so much for me to let someone in I felt like, how dare you abuse my trust like this?

It's sad really because I always block the wrong people out. It's like the more important you are to me the less I want to share with you because I don't know if you will like who I really am. I have also trusted people with my deepest darkest secrets and they in turn threw those things in my face. They used the things that hurt me most in life against me to hurt me even more. Who does that? Spite is an evil EVIL thing.

I want to write about more positive stuff but right now I am trying to figure Katie out. Idk who I am or what I want I just know that I don't just have walls up I have a fortress. I wasn't just jaded in my life, I allowed myself to be jaded, often times I did it to myself. I am giving you all glimpses into my soul. The good the bad and the ugly. Some of you may judge me but most of you have NO room to judge. I may be ridiculed for the feelings I feel  but so what they are my own.

I'm always told about how funny I am and how free spirited I am. But the only funny thing is everyone fails to realize that when I am entertaining you with uncensored sarcasm and ridiculous comments its because deep inside I'm crying and a mess. How dare I come around you and you see me weak and vulnerable! Believe me it doesn't happen often. If I am outwardly showing that I am upset I have hit the breaking point. My emotions have become too much for my body to handle. I start to shut down. I can  no longer function and I slip deep into depression.

I get a lot of crap for putting my business out there. But we all think it and go thru it so why not talk about it? I mean honestly if it makes me feel better to express myself thru writing a blog and it isn't actually hurting anyone then what does it matter? Why do you care so much what I blog about? I do ask for the feedback and I know I have to take the good with the bad. But why make me feel ashamed for doing something that makes me feel so much better? I know what risks I take by writing this but those are my choices and my risks.

Emotions can be very scary if we don't handle them properly. When I was around 11 I started writing poetry and I loved reading poems. Men don't understand what it's like going thru puberty as a girl. The only thing men worry about is penis size and facial hair and deep voices. Girls worry about EVERYTHING. Literally everything. That never changes. I had no idea how to process things except for writing. I had several notebooks just full front and back of my poems and my feelings. When I was 14 my parents threw them away cause they were "inappropriate". I never wrote again til I started blogging.

I successfully killed myself on 2 different occasions in the same year. I died and was brought back to life 5 times. I had no outlet for my feeling and I couldn't handle the horror that was my life. Granted I put myself in those situations but none the less I had no outlet. So I decided to end it all. I am glad I lived most days. Some days I still feel like a waste of life. It takes me letting down those walls and expressing myself to someone I can trust to see that I'm not a waste. Its just not as easy as you think.

While me and my husband were apart I drank a lot. I had no idea how to cope. Whether it was a glass of wine in a hot bath when the kids went to bed or a girls night out I was drinking instead of dealing with my feelings. I found 3 people that I entrusted with my feelings. One of which I used as my emotional punching bag. I no longer knew any other form of communication with this person aside from treating them like a shrink. The outcome wasn't good. I pushed everyone away on purpose. I lashed out just enough to keep them at a safe distance. Safe for me.  I refused to let them in. Yes I shared a lot of what was going on with people. But nobody truly knew what was REALLY going on. Even the ones that thought they did had no idea how bad it was.

Nobody likes to feel judged at any point. But our society thrives on judging others. We need it. We need to be able to pick apart someonelse's misery to make ourselves feel less pathetic when we are down. It's like that saying, it could always be worse. We love to know that no matter how fucked up we are someone else is doing worse. It's that justification. Nobody wants to feel like they are a bottom feeder. And why would they? I don't. I don't know anyone that does. But we need to admit that we all are pretty scummy at some point.

My walls protect me. I hope one day I can let them down and cope with all my emotions in a healthy manner instead of just letting them fester and beating myself up about everything. I wish I could really share my story so that I know I'm not alone. So that someone else can know that they are not alone. But I'm too scared. I'm safe behind these walls. You and nobody else can judge me when I'm back here. I say who comes in. I say who can give input. I'm just not ready. I just want to feel normal and I don't know if that is even possible. Normal doesn't exist I know that but there is some form of normalcy I want to be a part of.

My life might not be the best or the prettiest and I may have had more downs than ups. But I'm the only one with the balls to sit here and admit my faults and try to fix them. So if you look down on me for trying to better myself in a way you don't approve of, well shame on you. I would like to see you sit down and admit your faults to anyone with access to the Internet. One day I will take a sledge hammer to these walls and the only thing left behind them will be a happy person who is not afraid anymore.