A letter to my mother

I know I made more than my fair share of mistakes. I know I didn't really listen. I know I'm too loud and unfiltered. I know I cuss more than I should. I know I sometimes ask for a lot. I know I didn't turn out the way you wanted. I know I disappointed you more times than not. I know I have brought you much shame and embarrassment.  I'm sorry. I promise I tried my hardest. I promise I didn't mean all the horrible things I've said. I promise I'm trying to make it better. I promise I really do love you. I promise I can be all that you ever wanted me to be. If only you could open your eyes and see the good in me. If only you could stop yelling at me long enough to see the pain in my eyes and hear the hurt in my voice. If only you could see that I'm not you and know that my flaws are ok. If only you could forgive me for the mistakes I have made. If only you could understand they hurt me too. If only we could talk out our issues without you storming off. If only we could be in the same room without getting in a fight. If only you loved me. I tried so hard to make you happy I really did. I just wanted your approval. I knew I couldn't live up to my brothers standards. I just wanted to be able to talk to you without being judged. I wanted to talk to you about my insecurities. Every time I tried you pushed me away and passed judgement. Why? It catapulted me in into a path of self destruction that took me years to get out of. Today I live in the aftermath of not having a mother to guide me and love me but only a provider to feed and shelter me. Somewhere along the lines you stopped believing in my hopes and dreams, and eventually I did too. Somewhere down the line you grew to hate me, and I did too. I have tried to show appreciation for all the good you do. I try to tell you how much you mean to me. I try to live up to your standards the best I can. We are 2 totally different people and I think you are the only one who can't accept that. I will never be able to change the past. I can only move forward. But I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like if it wasn't for my kids we would never speak. My heart breaks when I think of this. Please mommy just love me for who I am and accept me for who I am not. Please let me cry to you when I have a bad day instead of being the reason I cry. Please hug me tight and tell me we can fix this. I need you. I'm still your little girl and I promise I'm not so bad. Please mommy.