Time for a Change

Time for a Change

 

 

 

So typically at this time of the year everyone is setting out to better themselves per new years resolutions. I don't believe in them. It's just another stupid thing people do to feel good about themselves for a few weeks then fail and feel bad about themselves then say fuck it and give up til next year. Its just dumb. If you want to change then change. Don't look for a holiday to change. Don't wait til the time is right. Cause will the time ever be right? If we are always  making excuses as to why today isn't the day then its probably not gonna be the day anytime soon. I'm the kind of person who wakes up and says "Yep that's stupid and doesn't work so lets change it!" no pussy footing around and no bull shit. If I want to change something I do. That's it. No weaning or waiting, just cold turkey heaven. I struggle and stumble and fall and cry and whine and kick and scream, but I always achieve my goal. Some of my goals I have fallen off the saddle about a billion and one times but you better believe I get back up and try harder. There is never any shame in trying. Yes we make some monumental mistakes in our lives but if we learn from those mistakes who cares. Never do anything in vein. I have made so many life altering bad decisions that I should be on a one way trip to hell by now. But I have gotten up and learned from them and asked for forgiveness. Yes folks believe it or not I am a Christian. I wont give a spiel in this post, don't want any panties in a wad when I'm trying to make a point. ANYWHO, I always get back on track and move forward. You cant stop believing in yourself no matter what. If you believe you can do better you will do better. Remember good things aren't going to fall into your lap like "Oh look at me here I am, yay lucky you." No you have to work for them you have to do the right things in order to get good things. Are you following me here I feel like I might be rambling but I promise I have a valid point coming.

 

 

 So I have been on this "journey" to change my life for a few years. I stopped doing drugs and stopped drinking a few years back. I started drinking again for a little while. I mean I have 4 kids and I run my own business I was going thru a divorce and had a lot going on. Shit I needed some booze. I THOUGHT I needed booze. I haven't touched drugs in years btw *pats self on the back* I am very proud of that.

 

 

So my husband had an odd sexual fetish of watching me with other people (men and women). I never quite liked this and ultimately it caused our marriage to crumble. He was not treating me right by any means. He was extremely abusive in every way. This would push me emotionally into other people and I had left him a couple times over the years. So in September this "fetish" occurred. It caused quite a bit of problems and one day took a violent ugly turn. I left. I swore I would never ever go back. I meant it too. I filed for divorce and we were set to be divorced 12/27/13 but because of tax filing purposes and re figuring child support it was postponed. New years eve as I sat alone while my kids slept and I just thought about the year we were leaving behind and what I wanted for the next year I couldn't help but think "Is this what I truly want?" the papers were supposed to be filed on 1/2/14 well I'm in Ohio and in case you missed the memo mother nature took a snow filled shit on us. So the papers weren't filed. He drove to my new house and we got snowed in together. And by the time the courts opened back up I questioned was this really what was best? Was it what I wanted? Was this an act of anger? Could he really change like he said he wants to? Here's that religious stuff again. So I prayed and prayed and I cried like I have never cried in my life. I was so torn by this decision. I knew my kids wanted us back together. I knew I missed him. I knew I had close friends and family questioning if I knew what I was doing. I just didn't know if it could really work out after so many failed attempts. So I prayed some more. I asked God to give me a sign and point me in the right direction. My husband openly admitted to being and abuser. He admitted to how sick and twisted his ways were. And then he went to church with me. And he cried the whole service and at the end he accepted Christ into his life. That was my sign! See for 7.5 years I tried to get this man into church and to get right with God he absolutely wouldn't budge. So him taking this step was God's way of saying "Slow down sister this man deserves one more fair chance with me on his side. " I called my lawyer first thing in the morning and said hold the presses and don't file those papers. She admitted that she was questioning if I wanted to go thru with it especially considering it happened so fast. Again another sign. So here I am now starting fresh with a man I am technically married to. We aren't having sex and we aren't back together. He is courting me. That's dating for anyone who doesn't know. And not like high schooler's date, movies then blow jobs on the ride home. No we are dating. He is romancing me. He is winning me back and mending the heart he didn't just break but he shattered. I admit I have never seen this side of the man I thought I knew better than myself. I have had some interesting feedback. A lot of people haven't been sold on this decision. I'm sure I have been more than a couple 'dumb bitch's' to more than a couple people. That's OK. Nobody but me and my family have to be ok with this choice. And honestly the people that know us the best are very very ok with it. They support us 100% and hope things work out.

 

 

 Now onto my actual point. I know you thought I was just rambling but nope I'm still getting there. In the last weekish that I have been open about this I have had more deep, thought provoking and tear jerking conversation than a 3 part Dr. Phil special. I have been so intellectually inspired its unreal. A lot of people comment on how candid I am about my mistakes and feelings, that I'm just so nonchalant in talking about things. I figure why not. If I can't admit to what I have done how can I truly learn from what I have done. I have had conversations with people wanting to change but don't know where to start. People who have changed and are sharing encouraging words. People who are also starting their journey to change and we want to hold each other accountable. I have had so many women say I have inspired them, even after I chose to give it another shot. Because I did indeed stand up for myself and I did indeed face my demons. I thought "Me? Inspiring? Pfffft get outta here. I'm nobody!" But guess what I am somebody. And so are you (whoever you are). You say "No but I'm a slut I cant be anybody." "No I'm a drunk I cant be anybody." I'm sleeping with a married man I cant be anybody!" "I have failed so many times before I'm nothing!" "I'm a drug addict and lost my kids I'm nobody." guess what YOU ARE DEAD WRONG!  You are the only who can tell yourself you are. So what if you did bad things. So what if you still are doing bad things. If you JUST STOP THE BAD THINGS you will show not only yourself but the world that what you do does not define you. Not forever. They say once an addict always an addict. Well I'm addict. But that's cause I was an addict 14 years ago. I changed. I chose to better myself. So can you. You are no different than anyone else out here. Don't let others opinions or your mistakes define who you are. I have been so inspired by the people in my life and how so many people are making changes. Not because of some stupid new years resolutions either, but because they truly want to live the good life. That's a beautiful thing to see so many people I care about want to be better people. It makes me feel stronger and more capable of doing good things. If you surround yourself by good things then everything you do will be steps in the right direction. 

 

 

 I gave my husband an analogy today as to what we are doing. Last spring we hired landscapers to dig up our entire back yard and rip out ALL the old dead grass. They had to take out all the bad stuff and haul it away and then lay new soil and mix it and prep it with fertilizer. The new soil was ideal for planting new seeds and growing a plush beautiful lawn. We planted the seeds and laid the straw to protect the new seeds. We tended to these seeds night and day watering them and not letting anyone step foot on them. Cause if they did the seeds would surely die. Then with lots of attention and care the seeds grew to a beautiful plush lawn. Now we all know the saying "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." Sometimes it actually is. In my case leaving my husband put me in greener grass. I was out of harms way. But I kept looking back to the other side and looking at the few patches of healthy grass that battled the storms and held up strong thru it all. I thought maybe just maybe there is still a chance to grow. So by starting over (not just me and him but us as humans in general) we have to replant our lawn. We need to rip up all the dead grass and yank it out by the roots. Don't leave anything behind or it will kill the new seeds. This is confessing our faults and owning up to EVERYTHING, no shifting blame. Then we need to haul it away. This is forgiving and forgetting. Then we need to prep it with fertilizers. This is talking things out and/or counseling. For us this is also committing ourselves to God. Then you plant the new seeds and cover it with straw to protect it. This is starting over. You protect it with commitment. Then every day and night you must nourish it and feed it and don't dare let anyone step on it. Feed it with love and faith. Don't let the outside world and skeptics say it can't be done. Don't let the storms destroy your life. Then before you know it you will have a lush beautiful lawn and your grass will indeed be greener than the other side. It will be rich and strong, not brown and broken like the old grass. See this lawn was built on love. Your relationship will be stronger than ever. Your life will be better than ever. This isn't just applying to relationships. Any obstacle you are facing in life can be overcome just tend to your lawn. There is no better time to better your life than right now. Not next year RIGHT NOW!!!!! If you absolutely cant stand the way things are going in your life then you need to change your life. Period.  

 

 

I hope this made sense. I hope you get the point.

Maybe stop and reflect a minute while listening to this song!
http://youtu.be/PivWY9wn5ps