It's ok I'll figure it out.

        I swear for years all I say when I have a problem is "It's ok I'll figure it out." I didn't realize it til a good friend and me where talking about a problem I was having and she told me about how strong I am and that I always say "It's ok I'll figure it out." And I always do. Always.

     I have been left in so many situations in life where I had nobody to turn to but myself. So I figure it out. Some people might think I could always turn to my parents. Nope. They have helped a lot but it was mostly financial and it was loans. None the less appreciated. But I need a lot more from my parents than just financial support. I need guidance and love. Maybe I sound wrong for this but I have felt for years that if I didn't have kids my parents wouldn't have anything to do with me. Its cool tho. Yeah it hurts, A LOT, but I'm honestly used to it. They kicked me out at 18 and no matter how bad of a situation I was in I wasn't allowed to move back in. Now I been thru some shit so those were the hardest no's I ever received. Call it tough love for an unruly child I guess. But when you're so broke you feed your child at the food pantry and have to ask churches for money so your lights don't get cut off its a hard no. But I figured it out.

     I have a hard time with my pride asking for help. Its not horrible but sometimes I'd rather not feel weak. Even tho there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you legitimately need it. It's more of me trying to prove to myself that I got this. I don't ever want to get accustomed to hand outs or help. It makes my hunger for success that much more intense. But I will admit there are times when the hunger pain's bring me to my knees and the only person I can ask for help is God. He is the only one who can nourish me. Ironically in my darkest hours I often turn my head to God. Idk why I do it. Because I know he holds all my answers and gives me all my strength. He is the one who helps me figure it out. I thank God tho for putting people In my life that redirect me back to him. They remind me that he can make anything possible.

      I think about the trials in my life molestation, rape, being a promiscuous teen, abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism, poverty, being a single mom, death and depression and I think to myself "You made it thru ALL that (most of which in a 2 yr time span) and you're still smiling so pick your head up and figure it out." Just stop crying and figure this shit out. What does crying get you? NO WHERE!! Being in denial about the situation isn't much better. I gotta own it, whatever it may be, and I gotta figure it out. Its amazing how many times the answer is right smack dab in front of my face. I stress and fuss and cuss and cry for nothing sometimes. But other times its a true act of God I make it thru.

        I spent the last 3 years of my life severely depressed. I would spend most days for months at a time contemplating suicide and different ways to do it to stop the pain. I knew the solution. And I just wasn't strong enough. I knew my relationship was toxic to my soul. It sucked every bit of life from me. But I couldn't go. It took the shit hitting the fan and splattering all over crazy town for me to say "Woah get out now or you won't make it out alive." I knew in my mind that my only way out was gonna be in a body bag. Either at his hands or mine. I knew this for years and was sure of it for the last year of the relationship. Idk what made this incident more eye opening than the others but one day I just said "NO MORE." So I left. What a scary time of my life. So full of insecurities and doubt and self exploration and poor life choices. I swear I didn't know which way was up I just knew I was figuring it all out. I regretfully went back. Oddly it was my comfort zone. I knew my only stress was abuse. Ha almost comical that I ever justified it. None the less it was the best and worst choice I ever made. It left me with no doubt that we didn't need to be together and it made me see What I deserve and that I'm capable of demanding just that and nothing less.

          I can admit that I was having an affair for almost 3 mos before I finally left. It wasn't supposed to be more than a fling. Nothing emotional. Somewhere I found all I had been looking for. Not just in a man but within myself. I found that strength to say enough is enough. I decided I was gonna leave him for good but I just needed time to figure things out money wise. Then shit hit the fan again but this time it was the kids saying they couldn't take it anymore. The constant fighting left them fearing for my life with every tear and every scream and every hard thud on the floor or against the walls. They felt like they were suffocating. I knew what I had to do. I left him. I knew I had someone to love me and be there for me as I fought this battle again. I was ok. I knew the kids would be ok cause I would just figure it out.  And as every trial came along this time I was ok. I had been down this road before. I had a better idea of where the twists and turns would be. I knew how to approach certain situations better than before. It doesn't mean it was easy. But I always figure it out.

         I have my days and moments that I'm constantly on edge. Like today. It has been one wtf moment after another. Moments I feel like I can't breathe. Moments I wish I had my mom to turn to but "that's not my problem." Is her only response and a lovely dial tone. And as I sat in my bf's car and cried and cried and cried he says " It'll be ok Katie. We will figure this out like always. We only have each other to depend on... Just don't worry we will be ok." And it was simple words that I have heard so many times that just brought it into perspective. I'm not alone. Not at all. Not only do I have him and his amazing family and our amazing friends but I have 4 amazing children who are there to offer any support they can. It amazes me how much reality my kids have soaked in over the last 10 mos yet are for the most part doing ok. They are finally starting to get what its all about. They see the struggle. They go thru it too. I hate that they do but this is real life. I know that I have people in my corner. I know that I have people that love me. And I know that even if it kills me its gonna be ok cause I'll figure it out. I always do. But there is a comfort in my heart that knows I'm no longer fighting these battles alone. And for the first time in years I stopped thinking of ways to end my life and started thinking of ways to improve my life and want to live to see many more days. Now my days are filled with joy and I no longer live in fear. Even the worst days I can still smile and laugh because its just not that bad anymore.

        I tell myself I didn't have the strength to leave before because God wasn't done teaching that lesson. I guess 14 yrs is a long time to teach someone something but its better late than never. And as I get ready for bed I have positive vibes in my heart about facing these battles with a clear mind tomorrow. Cause no matter what happens I know I will be ok and I will figure it out.

Self Love is a Bitch

             9 mos ago I started a journey to better my health. 8 mos ago I started the journey to better my self esteem. A journey of self love is like no other because u have to look deep within yourself and examine all the ugly parts of your past. You have to look at every instance that left you tainted. I found that the only way to find self love was to figure out where it started. The sad part is the source is usually from home or a loved one.

        My self esteem issues started very young, 1st grade maybe, but they were nothing extreme. It got worse naturally as I hit puberty which led me into a figuring out stage in junior high. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to be. You could tell by the way my clothing options varied to the extreme. I had gained weight from some medication I was prescribed and that made it worse. But after me gaining 40-50 lbs my Dr changed the meds. I lost 65 lbs and I swear I knew I looked good lol. You couldn't tell me nothing. I had the highest self esteem imaginable. But the boyfriend I had at the time always stressed how "perfect" I was and not to change at all. "Don't gain a pound."So I developed an eating disorder. I was anorexic and bulimic. I would eat just enough to stop the pain of being hungry (a few carrot sticks and some milk), took a multivitamin daily and the times I did eat to satisfy my cravings I threw it up. I did this for months. But then I got pregnant. I felt free almost. I knew I couldn't starve a baby and once I became ok with the thought of eating again I DIDN'T STOP!! I felt like I hadn't really enjoyed food in MONTHS. I missed that full feeling and not feeling weak all the time. I unfortunately blew up 90 lbs during that pregnancy. It didn't bother me right away until I saw how hard it was to lose weight while not starving and binging/purging. I did end up losing about 40-50 lbs but it was from not eating as much do to ADD meds.

      My self esteem wasn't necessarily broken at this point. I had begun feeling confident again. I was feeling sexy again. I admit the little extra weight bothered me some what. But I still felt good about myself. Then with each pregnancy I gained more weight. Since I was basically pregnant for 3 years I didn't really have time lose weight between babies. None the less I still felt sexy.

      My relationship with my soon to be ex husband is what broke my self esteem. It was the constant put downs and telling me I wasn't good enough that made me truly believe I wasn't good enough. I eventually just let myself go. I stopped caring about me and just said whatever nobody will ever look at me and I'm not lovable.

    I found myself at 300 pounds. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! How did I go from 125lbs at 15 to 300lbs at 27?!?!  That's a huge leap. And I found myself scared for my own life. I have 4 kids that count on me to be here, that need a mom with energy to play with them and energy to be a part of their life. I needed to get my self together quick. I got in touch with a trainer and started working on the outside failing to see the real trouble was inside. That's when I shifted gears and decided I need to learn to love me. But where on earth do you begin to learn to love someone you spent so many years hating?!?!

     Women have a horrible habit of standing in the mirror for long periods of time, hours sometimes, picking themselves apart. We take 30 selfies before we find one we look good enough in. We dissect every flaw and every good feature til we feel we are nothing. Some of the most beautiful women I have ever met can look at themselves and find 10 things they hate about themselves instantly. They can't take compliments without second guessing them. But why?? Why? Why? Why? Why can't we just embrace all the good and the bad? Why can't we say fuck what society thinks and love ourselves the way we are? Can't be too skinny or too fat. But who sets the standards as to what is too this or that?? Who gets to decide what is right or wrong with other peoples bodies? Shouldn't we all just be able to say " I LOVE the way I look." But that's not how it works. We feel pressure when standing beside a woman thinner or thicker than us. Yes even skinny girls have body issues over being too thin. Crazy huh?! You wouldn't understand if you never had other women talk down on you for being too thin. Yes I have been there too. I have been at both extremes and everything in between. So many people are quick to say "you looked better like this..." Who are you to tell me how I look better?!? I should be the judge of that based on how I feel.

     Right now I know for my health and yes my self esteem I need to lose weight. I have lost weight and I'm damn proud of those very hard to lose 40 pounds. But if I don't love myself the rest will never go away. I have a goal to lose another 110 pounds. That's a whole person I want to lose. I know I can do it. And I know there are people who think I can't. And there are people judging me for the size I am now. Yes all 260 pounds of me. Yep there's how much I weigh. Gasp in shock that I revealed the number no woman is honest about or the sheer size of me. I don't care. I am in a very healthy relationship with a person who fell in love with WHO I AM not my looks, even tho they love my physical appearance as well. Even without my relationship being a factor I know who I am isn't based on a number on a scale or the wrinkles by my eyes or the color of my hair or any other physical feature. Who I am is what's in my heart and my mind. My character defines me. I am far from where I need to be on this journey of self love but I've came a long way from where I once was.

      I don't know where you are coming from but I'm sure as you read this you have had a starting point cross your mind. You need to stop and look at the starting point and look at every moment between there and where you are today. Look at the defining moments that took a little piece of you. Look at every situation. Dissect that not yourself. For me it was the abusive nature of men who didn't think twice of taking a woman's pride from her. I looked at their CHARACTER and saw that they broke me down to keep me below them so they could control me. I saw that I am a very beautiful woman who ended up with the wrong people in my life. I may not be beautiful to societies standards and I may not be beautiful to your standards, but I'm beautiful to my own standards. Do I have days of bloat or too many pimples or a bad hair day that I second guess and judge myself? Of course I do. Thru it all I know that I'm worthy of more than what I tell myself on off days or what others have tried to make me believe. I will continue to learn to love myself and remember to take my own advice everyday. I know one day I will be able to look in the mirror again and feel the way I once did. For now I will take each day as it is and say you got this and you are worth it.