It's ok I'll figure it out.

        I swear for years all I say when I have a problem is "It's ok I'll figure it out." I didn't realize it til a good friend and me where talking about a problem I was having and she told me about how strong I am and that I always say "It's ok I'll figure it out." And I always do. Always.

     I have been left in so many situations in life where I had nobody to turn to but myself. So I figure it out. Some people might think I could always turn to my parents. Nope. They have helped a lot but it was mostly financial and it was loans. None the less appreciated. But I need a lot more from my parents than just financial support. I need guidance and love. Maybe I sound wrong for this but I have felt for years that if I didn't have kids my parents wouldn't have anything to do with me. Its cool tho. Yeah it hurts, A LOT, but I'm honestly used to it. They kicked me out at 18 and no matter how bad of a situation I was in I wasn't allowed to move back in. Now I been thru some shit so those were the hardest no's I ever received. Call it tough love for an unruly child I guess. But when you're so broke you feed your child at the food pantry and have to ask churches for money so your lights don't get cut off its a hard no. But I figured it out.

     I have a hard time with my pride asking for help. Its not horrible but sometimes I'd rather not feel weak. Even tho there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you legitimately need it. It's more of me trying to prove to myself that I got this. I don't ever want to get accustomed to hand outs or help. It makes my hunger for success that much more intense. But I will admit there are times when the hunger pain's bring me to my knees and the only person I can ask for help is God. He is the only one who can nourish me. Ironically in my darkest hours I often turn my head to God. Idk why I do it. Because I know he holds all my answers and gives me all my strength. He is the one who helps me figure it out. I thank God tho for putting people In my life that redirect me back to him. They remind me that he can make anything possible.

      I think about the trials in my life molestation, rape, being a promiscuous teen, abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism, poverty, being a single mom, death and depression and I think to myself "You made it thru ALL that (most of which in a 2 yr time span) and you're still smiling so pick your head up and figure it out." Just stop crying and figure this shit out. What does crying get you? NO WHERE!! Being in denial about the situation isn't much better. I gotta own it, whatever it may be, and I gotta figure it out. Its amazing how many times the answer is right smack dab in front of my face. I stress and fuss and cuss and cry for nothing sometimes. But other times its a true act of God I make it thru.

        I spent the last 3 years of my life severely depressed. I would spend most days for months at a time contemplating suicide and different ways to do it to stop the pain. I knew the solution. And I just wasn't strong enough. I knew my relationship was toxic to my soul. It sucked every bit of life from me. But I couldn't go. It took the shit hitting the fan and splattering all over crazy town for me to say "Woah get out now or you won't make it out alive." I knew in my mind that my only way out was gonna be in a body bag. Either at his hands or mine. I knew this for years and was sure of it for the last year of the relationship. Idk what made this incident more eye opening than the others but one day I just said "NO MORE." So I left. What a scary time of my life. So full of insecurities and doubt and self exploration and poor life choices. I swear I didn't know which way was up I just knew I was figuring it all out. I regretfully went back. Oddly it was my comfort zone. I knew my only stress was abuse. Ha almost comical that I ever justified it. None the less it was the best and worst choice I ever made. It left me with no doubt that we didn't need to be together and it made me see What I deserve and that I'm capable of demanding just that and nothing less.

          I can admit that I was having an affair for almost 3 mos before I finally left. It wasn't supposed to be more than a fling. Nothing emotional. Somewhere I found all I had been looking for. Not just in a man but within myself. I found that strength to say enough is enough. I decided I was gonna leave him for good but I just needed time to figure things out money wise. Then shit hit the fan again but this time it was the kids saying they couldn't take it anymore. The constant fighting left them fearing for my life with every tear and every scream and every hard thud on the floor or against the walls. They felt like they were suffocating. I knew what I had to do. I left him. I knew I had someone to love me and be there for me as I fought this battle again. I was ok. I knew the kids would be ok cause I would just figure it out.  And as every trial came along this time I was ok. I had been down this road before. I had a better idea of where the twists and turns would be. I knew how to approach certain situations better than before. It doesn't mean it was easy. But I always figure it out.

         I have my days and moments that I'm constantly on edge. Like today. It has been one wtf moment after another. Moments I feel like I can't breathe. Moments I wish I had my mom to turn to but "that's not my problem." Is her only response and a lovely dial tone. And as I sat in my bf's car and cried and cried and cried he says " It'll be ok Katie. We will figure this out like always. We only have each other to depend on... Just don't worry we will be ok." And it was simple words that I have heard so many times that just brought it into perspective. I'm not alone. Not at all. Not only do I have him and his amazing family and our amazing friends but I have 4 amazing children who are there to offer any support they can. It amazes me how much reality my kids have soaked in over the last 10 mos yet are for the most part doing ok. They are finally starting to get what its all about. They see the struggle. They go thru it too. I hate that they do but this is real life. I know that I have people in my corner. I know that I have people that love me. And I know that even if it kills me its gonna be ok cause I'll figure it out. I always do. But there is a comfort in my heart that knows I'm no longer fighting these battles alone. And for the first time in years I stopped thinking of ways to end my life and started thinking of ways to improve my life and want to live to see many more days. Now my days are filled with joy and I no longer live in fear. Even the worst days I can still smile and laugh because its just not that bad anymore.

        I tell myself I didn't have the strength to leave before because God wasn't done teaching that lesson. I guess 14 yrs is a long time to teach someone something but its better late than never. And as I get ready for bed I have positive vibes in my heart about facing these battles with a clear mind tomorrow. Cause no matter what happens I know I will be ok and I will figure it out.