Saturday, June 28, 2014

Self Love is a Bitch

             9 mos ago I started a journey to better my health. 8 mos ago I started the journey to better my self esteem. A journey of self love is like no other because u have to look deep within yourself and examine all the ugly parts of your past. You have to look at every instance that left you tainted. I found that the only way to find self love was to figure out where it started. The sad part is the source is usually from home or a loved one.

        My self esteem issues started very young, 1st grade maybe, but they were nothing extreme. It got worse naturally as I hit puberty which led me into a figuring out stage in junior high. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to be. You could tell by the way my clothing options varied to the extreme. I had gained weight from some medication I was prescribed and that made it worse. But after me gaining 40-50 lbs my Dr changed the meds. I lost 65 lbs and I swear I knew I looked good lol. You couldn't tell me nothing. I had the highest self esteem imaginable. But the boyfriend I had at the time always stressed how "perfect" I was and not to change at all. "Don't gain a pound."So I developed an eating disorder. I was anorexic and bulimic. I would eat just enough to stop the pain of being hungry (a few carrot sticks and some milk), took a multivitamin daily and the times I did eat to satisfy my cravings I threw it up. I did this for months. But then I got pregnant. I felt free almost. I knew I couldn't starve a baby and once I became ok with the thought of eating again I DIDN'T STOP!! I felt like I hadn't really enjoyed food in MONTHS. I missed that full feeling and not feeling weak all the time. I unfortunately blew up 90 lbs during that pregnancy. It didn't bother me right away until I saw how hard it was to lose weight while not starving and binging/purging. I did end up losing about 40-50 lbs but it was from not eating as much do to ADD meds.

      My self esteem wasn't necessarily broken at this point. I had begun feeling confident again. I was feeling sexy again. I admit the little extra weight bothered me some what. But I still felt good about myself. Then with each pregnancy I gained more weight. Since I was basically pregnant for 3 years I didn't really have time lose weight between babies. None the less I still felt sexy.

      My relationship with my soon to be ex husband is what broke my self esteem. It was the constant put downs and telling me I wasn't good enough that made me truly believe I wasn't good enough. I eventually just let myself go. I stopped caring about me and just said whatever nobody will ever look at me and I'm not lovable.

    I found myself at 300 pounds. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! How did I go from 125lbs at 15 to 300lbs at 27?!?!  That's a huge leap. And I found myself scared for my own life. I have 4 kids that count on me to be here, that need a mom with energy to play with them and energy to be a part of their life. I needed to get my self together quick. I got in touch with a trainer and started working on the outside failing to see the real trouble was inside. That's when I shifted gears and decided I need to learn to love me. But where on earth do you begin to learn to love someone you spent so many years hating?!?!

     Women have a horrible habit of standing in the mirror for long periods of time, hours sometimes, picking themselves apart. We take 30 selfies before we find one we look good enough in. We dissect every flaw and every good feature til we feel we are nothing. Some of the most beautiful women I have ever met can look at themselves and find 10 things they hate about themselves instantly. They can't take compliments without second guessing them. But why?? Why? Why? Why? Why can't we just embrace all the good and the bad? Why can't we say fuck what society thinks and love ourselves the way we are? Can't be too skinny or too fat. But who sets the standards as to what is too this or that?? Who gets to decide what is right or wrong with other peoples bodies? Shouldn't we all just be able to say " I LOVE the way I look." But that's not how it works. We feel pressure when standing beside a woman thinner or thicker than us. Yes even skinny girls have body issues over being too thin. Crazy huh?! You wouldn't understand if you never had other women talk down on you for being too thin. Yes I have been there too. I have been at both extremes and everything in between. So many people are quick to say "you looked better like this..." Who are you to tell me how I look better?!? I should be the judge of that based on how I feel.

     Right now I know for my health and yes my self esteem I need to lose weight. I have lost weight and I'm damn proud of those very hard to lose 40 pounds. But if I don't love myself the rest will never go away. I have a goal to lose another 110 pounds. That's a whole person I want to lose. I know I can do it. And I know there are people who think I can't. And there are people judging me for the size I am now. Yes all 260 pounds of me. Yep there's how much I weigh. Gasp in shock that I revealed the number no woman is honest about or the sheer size of me. I don't care. I am in a very healthy relationship with a person who fell in love with WHO I AM not my looks, even tho they love my physical appearance as well. Even without my relationship being a factor I know who I am isn't based on a number on a scale or the wrinkles by my eyes or the color of my hair or any other physical feature. Who I am is what's in my heart and my mind. My character defines me. I am far from where I need to be on this journey of self love but I've came a long way from where I once was.


      I don't know where you are coming from but I'm sure as you read this you have had a starting point cross your mind. You need to stop and look at the starting point and look at every moment between there and where you are today. Look at the defining moments that took a little piece of you. Look at every situation. Dissect that not yourself. For me it was the abusive nature of men who didn't think twice of taking a woman's pride from her. I looked at their CHARACTER and saw that they broke me down to keep me below them so they could control me. I saw that I am a very beautiful woman who ended up with the wrong people in my life. I may not be beautiful to societies standards and I may not be beautiful to your standards, but I'm beautiful to my own standards. Do I have days of bloat or too many pimples or a bad hair day that I second guess and judge myself? Of course I do. Thru it all I know that I'm worthy of more than what I tell myself on off days or what others have tried to make me believe. I will continue to learn to love myself and remember to take my own advice everyday. I know one day I will be able to look in the mirror again and feel the way I once did. For now I will take each day as it is and say you got this and you are worth it.

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