Confessions of a Side Chick
Hmmmmm where do I begin...
I have been a side chick more times than not. When I was younger I never really had an issue with it. I always said, "Well if I don't know his girlfriend or we aren't friends then I don't care." This was how I justified it in my head. When I was younger I never felt any kind of remorse about the situation. Now when I say younger I mean I was in high school. I have obviously had real relationships, however I always got cheated on. Karma? Maybe. Probably. In a way I felt like the guy was going to cheat regardless. I had 3 kids while being a side chick. I wasn't a secret tho. I always picked winners and they never hid their affairs. As I grew older I started feeling bad about this. Maturity? Yes. I was a side chick again for a few months here recently. Not my finest moments but I cant change it.
Its funny tho how as you become an adult you would think the cheating would get old and there would be no thrill. I mean as adults we have so much more to lose. We have everything to lose at times. So why do we cheat? Why risk everything we ever wanted and worked for? Why do we justify hurting other people without batting an eye or giving a second thought? Are we sluts? Man whores? Liars? Users? Yes and no. We could very well be all of those things, but mostly we are human.
Humans have this major character flaw (especially Americans), its called greed. Humans are so greedy in everyway. We never liked sharing toys as children and we are never satisfied as adults. We always want more more MORE!!! We tend to forget to stop and smell the roses. We forget that we don't need to have it all. We forget that sometimes what we have is all we need. So we lust after each other. Coveting each others spouses. We flirt and smile and say "Its just harmless flirting." but is it really harmless? Is it really just flirting? What if the flirting was "harmless" until someone had an argument with their spouse and decided to see how interested the other party really is? What happens when that person has and argument with their spouse and decides "Hmmm maybe I will see what this offer is all about?" then that flirting isn't so harmless anymore. Why don't we ever stop to think what a catastrophic event this could be. Why are we so selfish to think we can get away with it? Why do we seem to think we are above the consequences? We are so selfish and think "Well they don't provide me with this or that so I need to get it somewhere." We think that what they don't know wont hurt them. But as the saying goes "What happens in the dark always comes to light". Maybe not today but it always does. Why cant we just stop and speak to our spouses why cant we write them a letter maybe?
As the one on the side when you know that you are on the side what's the justification? "They don't make them happy so it's their own fault?" "They need to do more so its their fault?" How do we morally justify what's happening? Greed that's how. We think about the attention we need and the affection we need and the intimacy we need. We don't think about the lives or families we destroy in the process. All we want is to fill that void.
Nobody settles for being a side piece because they are happy with themselves. It just doesn't happen. You don't find it ok to be second best because you have high self esteem and love yourself with all your heart. No you have insecurities and don't care where you find your affection and attention. I have had more than my fair share of sexual partners and I'm tellin ya its not because I exude confidence and look in the mirror every morning thinking I'm fabulous and unstoppable. Its because I look at myself as less than. I slept with men and women looking for affection and comfort. Looking for approval and seeking attention. I got their attention alright. Not the kind I wanted. You think doing freaky things will make someone respect you? HA! NO WAY!! You will catch their attention and they will give you what you want til they are done with you. At the end of the night you are nothing but sex. Nothing more.
Don't let their words deceive you. If you were more than that you would be the only one in their life. Your need for approval tricks your heart into false feelings. They will tell you anything and everything to get what they want from you. And because you have no self esteem you will give them anything and everything. But at what cost? What are we really giving them? We are giving them our pride and self esteem. We are giving them our dignity. We are left as an empty vessel. Just nothingness. Then we watch a romantic movie and listen to love songs thinking "Why cant I find that?"
Someone said to me recently, "If you are out there handing out the coochie all you're going to attract is dicks!" Followed by a lecture on how I am better than that. Now I'm not saying I was just hoeing it up, but I had slept with someone else that I shouldn't have. We will never find the romance if we are just handing out the goods. Who will respect someone like that? That comment came from a person I was intimate with at the time and I was confessing what I had done. They had nothing to gain from telling me that. It opened my eyes. At the time I had no idea I was going to try and work things out with my husband, I just knew I was in a very very bad place in my life. I didn't like this empty feeling. I didn't like chasing affection and attention. A couple hours of satisfaction didn't make up for the days of loneliness. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I was in someone's arms, and that wasn't a good feeling. So why didn't I stop? Lack of self respect.
Here's the sad part. I can say in all certainty that every single person who views this has been the side piece at least once. You have all probably been cheated on at least once. Many of you have also cheated at least once. And don think emotional affairs don't count, cause you bet your sweet ass they do. An affair is an affair. Now not all of you may know you were cheated on or a side piece so don't think it doesn't apply to you.
Our society plays a huge role in all of this. I have been listening to Pandora while writing this and I cant tell you how many songs are about being cheated on and even worse the proud cheater or proud side chick songs. Our music says its ok to be the one on the side. Its ok to cheat. Our music solidifies all our bull shit reasons as to why our disgusting behavior is acceptable. Certain movies do as well. Others portray the very exaggerated ill affects of affairs as well, i.e. Fatal Attraction.
As I run thru my opinions and observations I should share with you my feelings. What I did is not something I am proud of. I cant lie and say its completely out of character because I used to be just fine with it. I know the reasons I accepted it now at this point in my life. I can sit and lie to you and say that it always bothered me but I wont. I was selfish and I thought about myself a lot. I believed that it was 'her fault not mine'. I believed someone cared about me and that they were going to leave her. I believed I held a special place in their heart. I believed it all. I believed it because I was sad and scared and refused to listen to my friends and family that it was all lies and that I was better than this and worth more than this. But the biggest of all the lies were the ones I told myself. I'm down right ashamed of my actions. Sometimes I make choices that even I have to step back like "WTF ARE YOU DOING?". This was one of them.
Now I could end this with some profound statement about the new me and how I will never do it again. But I wont be doing that. I think the only thing I can say at this point is, if you are cheating or are on the side step back and evaluate yourself. Evaluate the situation. Why have you stepped out? Why are you selling yourself short as second best? If you are in second place well then honey you need to get a vibrator and a body pillow and go to counseling and find Jesus and have lots of girls nights. You need to dig very very deep inside and look at the downward spiral you are in (you might not even know you're in one). Find a ladder and climb on out. If you are the cheater then you need to look at what you have at home. What is your spouse doing that is so wrong that you need to step out? Is it a sexual issue? Are the day to day frustrations of life becoming too much? Are you not attracted to them anymore? This is your spouse, what is so bad that you cant find the time to talk to them? Write a fucking letter for Pete's sake!!! Believe me if you have enough issues to feel ok in stepping out then you should just leave all together. You better believe this will not make things better. I have cheated on my husband. He pushed me out with the abuse and was unreasonable when trying to talk things out. At that point it became best to leave. I instead chose to have an affair and my life became much worse. That is also a whole nother entry in itself. Just trust me that I know what I'm talking about.
All I am saying folks is stop and look at your lives. Remember for every action there is a reaction. Stop and think if its really worth it before you jump in. Its the ripple effect of life. Once you cast that stone you may only see the initial splash and a few big ripples then they fade out. They don't stop, the effect keeps going, we just don't always see it, but it will always be felt.
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