T,
I have not always been a good mom. I still question if I am now. I have always loved you with my whole heart. Every bit of my heart beats for my children. I feel bad because I know I'm harder on you than the other kids. You are the oldest so everything with you is new and scary and strange. I want to get it right so bad. Then afterwards I see where I went wrong. Sometimes those mistakes are bigger than I would like to admit. I know you don't think I'm fair. I know we scream and fight and argue. It breaks my heart. I hate the days when all we do is argue cause neither of us back down. I hate the feeling of sending you to school after a big fight and a pathetic apology. I know your day is just as tainted as mine. I wish I knew how to get you to understand that I love you far more than my actions always show. You were the light at the end of my tunnel when I was in a very bad place. You were my hope in the darkest of hours as I was a child raising a child. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I loved you more than words. Now there are so many days we can't even be in the same room without arguing. I don't know how to talk to you anymore. There is so much attitude and anger in you. I don't know if its the hormones or if it is because of my many failures. I tried so hard to give you a good life. I really truly did. I see so much of me in you and it TERRIFIES me to my core. My biggest fear is that you will experience the things I have and that you will turn out just like me. I want you to be all that I wasn't and all that I never will be. You are the most inspiring person I have ever met. I just wish you knew. Please for one moment remember that nobody is perfect and if I could take it all back I would. Know that if I could back I would right every wrong. I would have held your hand a little longer. Cuddled you one more time. I would have sang more songs and read more books. I wouldn't have gotten so mad when you made a mess or broke something. I would have just stopped and remembered you're just a little girl. Cause now you're not a little girl anymore and you are now shaped into the human being you will be the rest of your life. I hope she is amazing and not a reflection of my mistakes. I hope one day you forgive me for every time I went left and not right. I hope one day you are proud to say I'm your mom. I am very proud to say your my daughter.
I love you,
Mommy
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